My Funny Valentine...

To paraphrase Jane Austen -- "It is a truth universally acknowledged, that the ultimate role of the 'older' sister is to torture the younger sister..."

My sister Kathy has always been my 'sweet comic Valentine' and often the fodder for some of my very best stories -- mostly because she's one of those people who is funny without even trying.

As a child, I can vividly remember thinking that she was placed in my family purely for my own personal entertainment. Polar opposites in almost every way -- she was always boy-crazy, I managed to get all the way to senior year without a single date. She was tiny and thin - a real fashionista who made her own clothes and I was size 12 at age 12 and wore clothes based solely on comfort and availability of plaid.

Classic Kathy -- came home from her very first day of school ever and proclaimed herself "in love" with the first boy she met -- a young man named Marlon. I never met Marlon - never laid eyes on him -- but in a Classic Laura move, immediately sat down and wrote a song about her experience. With six -- count 'em -- six verses.

And I mean a SONG -- got out the staff paper, sat at the organ and wrote a song. With harmony that I taught to the neighbor kid -- so we could follow Kathy around and serenade her - literally until she'd cry:

Marlon and His Big Blue Truck

Music and Lyrics by Lolly Baker

Marlon and his big blue truck
Marlon and his big blue truck
On the first day of school
They sat in the lunch room
Planning their wedding day
Marlon and his big blue truck...

Call me if you want to hear the melody... I could go on...but you get it -- And I would follow her right to the door of her Kindergarten room singing it at the top of my voice.

I don't think she and Marlon made it to Halloween.

But my tortuous creativity where Kathy was concerned didn't end with music -- oh no -- as the years passed, I found new - non-musical ways - to make her miserable.

We spent many an hour traveling in the old Grand Torino station wagon - to North Carolina, to Florida -- with the four kids bouncing around in the back. And after a few hours of "I Spy" and "The License Plate Game" one of my siblings would request a story from me.

And while I am one of those fortunate people who can read in a moving vehicle with no problem, their favorites were the stories that I made up -- usually involving a family (not unlike ours) going on adventures in their own backyard.

The premise was simple -- Laura and Jeff, the Clickatat Twins, lived on Clickatat Lane in Mumblestown, PA with their little sister, Kathy. Laura and Jeff would go on magical adventures in the woods, riding bikes, finding treasure - and Kathy, to their dismay, always wanted to tag along.

Regardless of the particular story or adventure, they always ended the same way -- with Kathy getting sprayed by the neighborhood skunk. Always. And usually, Officer Kirkpatrick would have to take Kathy home to be washed with tomato juice AGAIN, whilst the Clickatat Twins would go off on another lark.

The "Kathy and the Skunk" stories - as they came to be known amongst our family and friends were a hit -- much to Kathy's mortification. My brother and other sister (and let's be honest - most of their friends) would beg me for "the next installment."

And I would further torture Kathy (think Lucy promising Charlie Brown that THIS time she won't pull the football away) telling her that THIS TIME, Kathy would NOT get sprayed by the skunk.

But, of course, she always got sprayed.

And she would make me swear to never write another "Kathy and the Skunk" story -- and I'd promise -- and then some time would pass and someone would ask for the next installment, and off I'd go.

I think I finally stopped telling them sometime in high school.

But -- if you really want another installment...I could probably be persuaded... (insert maniacal laughter here)

Happy St. Valentine's Day and Happy 41st! May your day be both Marlon and Skunk free!