"You should tell THAT one..."

One of the interesting things about writing a blog is that not only do I forget that folks are actually reading it, but the "blog topic suggestion" emails I receive after almost every missive. It would seem that I've told a lot of pals a lot of stories over the years (thankfully, I remember almost all of them!).

But above and beyond, the requests seem to be for those stories surrounding my adventures and mis-adventures on the stage.

So here, for all of you fans of "How Many Ways Can Laura Make a Fool of Herself on Stage" -- is my top seven list of Laura's Theatrical Mishaps:

7. Kindergarten: I have a lead role in the Camp Curtin Kindergarten production of "The Four Basic Food Groups" -- playing the challenging role of "milk." It could be my dairy goodness shining through, but I strongly suspect it was type casting, as I was the only caucasion child in the class. Classic moment: deciding that the kid playing "protein" was dancing into my key light -- "protein" went down hard that day.

6. First Grade: I am selected to sing "Take Our Bread" (Hymn no. 88 in any Catholic hymnal) for the All Saints Day service. Having grown up watching Merv Griffin and Dinah Shore, and with minimal rehearsal, halfway through the first verse I unwind the microphone from the stand at the altar and begin walking into the "audience" swinging the cord and hamming it up. Never asked to sing at Holy Family again, although my Dad thought I was GREAT (and was the only one that clapped). If memory serves, my performance actually STOPPED communion.

5. Third Grade: Miss Patsy's School of Dance Spring recital -- we are doing a production number called the "Tossed Salad Ballet" (I know -- who dreams up these dances for small girls?). I was playing a carrot. We all had vegetable costumes with matching hats. About halfway through the first act it occurs to me that the "lettuce" is really the "star" of a salad -- and I am NOT the lettuce! So I do what any 8-year-old prima donna would do -- at intermission, I switch all the hats! Curtain goes up on Act II and all of the little veggie dancers have on mis-matched headpieces. And you can all guess who was wearing the lettuce leaf!

4. High School: Finally a lead role in the play "Fall of the House of Usher" by Poe. I'm playing "Madeleine," a girl who 'returns' from the dead! Great part -- I get painted up like a ghost and actually get to crawl out of a coffin on stage. During opening night, my big scene arrives, and I make my entrance out of the coffin and a small child in the front row yells -- "look, it's Smurfette!" (Picture long blonde hair and blue-ish stage make-up) Audience laughs during my critical - designed to be frightening scene. Some days it just doesn't pay to climb out of your coffin.

3. College -- far too many incidents to get into one blog entry -- kicking a knife on stage that was supposed to a prop but wasn't -- sliced right into my foot and bled all over the stage. Finished the scene and got eleven stitches. Or the time I tap-danced right into the orchestra pit. Or the time I literally got dumped by my college boyfriend during a live production of "A Doll's House" -- he came backstage and dumped me before Act II!

2. Community Theatre: Performing the role of "Audrey" in "Little Shop of Horrors"...gearing up to sing my big first act solo -- and look up to see the show's director literally stuck in a coat rack in the back of the room (probably drunk) -- and my husband desparately trying to free her from the tangle of coat hangers! Somehow managed to get through it without cracking up. I now have a "no wire hangers" clause in all of my performance riders.

and finally, the #1 Laura Theatrical Mishap -- the "Two by Two Fake Pregnancy Belly Incident of 1997"

"Two by Two" is a lovely show - a musical comedy about Noah's Ark. And the final comedic bit (post rainbow and dove) has Noah's three sons and their wives coming out for curtain call with the wives obviously pregnant. (No TV on the Ark) My stage husband and I had only 1 minute prior for a quick costume change in a very small space -- and the poor guy had to more or less "impregnate me" (strapping the pregnancy pillow on me, whilst I held my dress over my head) in the dark, in about a 2'x2' space. Suffice it to say that by the end of the finale, my "belly" was around my knees!